To the dozens of subscribers in Iraq, Afghanistan, and the surrounding ships at sea, thank you for your service! I think it is very wise to use your free time to read my letter and learn about financial markets in preparation for an entry into the financial services when you muster out. Nobody is going to call you a baby killer and shun you, as they did when I returned from Southeast Asia four decades ago. In fact, employers have been given fantastic tax breaks and other incentives to hire you.

I have but one request. No more subscriptions with .mil addresses, please. The Defense Department, the CIA, the NSA, Homeland Security, and the FBI do not look kindly on private newsletters entering the military network, even the investment kind. If you think civilian spam filters are tough, watch out for the military kind! And no, I promise that there are no secret messages embedded with the stock tips. ?BUY? really does mean ?BUY.? ?Sell? means ?Sell? too.

If I did not know the higher ups at these agencies, as well as the Joints Chiefs of Staff, I might be bouncing off the walls in a cell at Guantanamo by now. It also helps that many of the mid-level officers at these organizations have made a fortune with their meager government retirement funds following my advice. All I can say is that if the Baghdad Stock Exchange ever become liquid, I'm going to own it.

Where would you guess the greatest concentration of readers The Diary of a Mad Hedge Fund Trader is found? New York? Nope. London? Wrong. Chicago? Not even close. Try a ten-mile radius centered on Langley, Virginia, by a large margin. The funny thing is, half of the subscribing names coming in are Russian. I haven't quite figured that one out yet. Did we hire the entire KGB at the end of the cold war? If we did, it was a great move. Those guys were good.

So keep up the good work, and fight the good fight. But please, only subscribe to my letter with personal Gmail, Yahoo, or Hotmail addresses. That way my life can become a lot more boring. Oh, and by the way, Langley, you're behind on your bill. Please pay up, pronto, and I don't want to hear whining about any damn budget cuts!

I Want My Mad Hedge Fund Trader!

I tell people at my strategy luncheons that living in the San Francisco Bay area is like living in the future. There is an explosion of high tech innovation going on here, and we locals often find ourselves the guinea pigs for the latest hot products. However, sometimes the future is not such a great place to be.

I learned this the other day when I received a parking ticket in the mail. I didn?t recall finding a notice of violation tucked under my windshield wiper in the recent past, so I looked into it. To my chagrin, I learned that the city is now outfitting its buses with video cameras pointing forward and sideways. The digital recordings are then transmitted to parking control officers sitting behind computers for review.? They issue tickets, which are mailed to the registered owner of the vehicles.

San Francisco suffers from one of the worst parking nightmares in the country. The streets were never planned, they just sort of happened on their own during the frenzy of the 1849 gold rush. They were built to handle the traffic of horses and carriages, and later cable cars, not the crush of traffic we get today.

Sky-high real estate prices have driven millions into the suburbs across the bridges over which they must commute. So parking has always been in short supply and it is very expensive. When I drive into the city for a Saturday night dinner, sometimes the parking tab is more expensive than the meal.

Newly minted millionaires from tech IPO?s are now buying vintage Victorian homes, and then retrofitting garages underneath them. Every time this is done, it eliminates another parking spot on the street to make room for the driveway. So while the traffic is increasing, the number of parking spots is actually declining.

The city originally installed the cameras to catch offenders driving in bus lanes during rush hour. When they discovered that the cameras also captured the license plates of illegally parked cars they expanded the program. Last year 3,000 such tickets were issued.

The program has been so successful that the cash strapped city will greatly expand it this year. And with a great San Francisco track record to point to, the firm selling the system is planning on going nationwide. Soon it will come to a city near you. Like I said, sometimes the future is not such a great place to be.

Parking in San Francisco Can be Tight

Some taxpayers have been sending birthday cards in with their tax returns this year. That?s because the International Revenue Service, the collector of America?s tax revenues, is 100 years old this week.

Although the wealthy have been paying income taxes since the 1861-65 Civil War, they did not apply to the rest of us until the passage of the 16^th Amendment. The original form 1040, of which I have included a copy below, was one page long and imposed a starting tax rate of 1% over incomes of $3,000. The maximum tax rate was 7%. It included a deduction for shipwrecks.

When WWI broke out, that rate was taken up to 77%. Only 3% of the population had tax liabilities, compared to 54% today. Since 1913, the pages of instructions and deductions have soared from one to over 77,000. Today, some 6.6 billion man hours are spent preparing US tax returns. Talk about a growth business!

According to the Pew Research Center, 56% of Americans dislike taxes, but 71% feel they have a moral responsibility to pay what they owe. Yet, 34% say they pay more than their fair share of taxes, while 60% believe they are paying the right amount.

In 1775, the American Revolution first started as a tax revolt, with American merchants protesting the special exemptions enjoyed by British ones. That led to the Boston Tea Party whereby Americans masquerading as Indians dumped competing duty free imports overboard. Fairness of the system has been a recurring theme ever since. That is why Mitt Romney?s 13.9% tax rate was such a big deal in the 2012 presidential election.

About 1% of taxpayers are audited each year, with the wealthiest 12 times more likely to get audited than the middle class. Where are the residents least likely to be audited by the IRS? The Aleutian Islands in Alaska. And the most likely? Beverly Hills, California. Small businesses top the list, with those in the real estate and construction industries dominating.

The Justice Department brings about 1,000 criminal tax evasion cases a year. Jail times have only been required since 1987. That works out to one return out of every 150,000, so play audit roulette if you will. Their success rate in obtaining convictions is a mathematically impossible 98.5%.

What is the most common error committed on tax returns? Divorced parents both claiming the same children as dependents. The mistake is automatically caught by electronic filing with the earliest filer getting the tax savings. So don?t bother.

Now how much did I lose on that shipwreck last year?

Equalizing the Tax System

Now What Line Does This Go On?